Soliloquy

I try to always start with something beautiful—eye candy—for you and this time isn't any different. I love the vibrant pink of this big pompom hanging in the corner of my office behind me to my left. It cheers me whenever I walk into this office.

Just a beautiful roses print I have in my home.

What I'm working on today. Do you think you know what it is? Easy guess I'd think. ;-)
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Are there times when I long for the times of my youth? I think to myself yes of course there are but they are very infrequent. I love being this age, don't I? But at this period of my life, youth is relative. I think now of 45 as my youthful years also. I now whisper to friends who are in their 30s that the best is yet to be and it is. The wisdom of age overtakes the foolishness of youth.

I sit in my chair in the living room with the bright light there for reading a good book, which has been a pleasure of mine for many years, and look at the dry spotted hands of my old age and think of the youthful ones that hubby grasped so tightly and lovingly on our wedding day.

My step is still as sprightly as it always was. I notice a wee difference but I doubt it's noticeable to anyone else. Is it, Connie? I think this is true.

My eyes have always been the same vibrant shade of green and haven't lessened with the passing years, which is prevalent with those of my generation. I've always thought the eyes are not only windows to my soul, but always gave away how I think of something. I am also more than willing to espouse my views on things as hubby, relatives and friends know.

The wrinkles are increasing but my 31 year old granddaughter calls them dimples and is quite serious about it, and I assure myself they are not. I love her for thinking that way about me though.

I've never been a beauty, although hubby would differ on my opinion. (I'm only being honest with myself here.) At best, I've been "attractive" or in other words people are attracted to me. I've never given it much thought; I've just noticed how people will look at me. My presence is commanding as one person told me many years ago. I'm not imperious for I don't want to lead. I'd rather just drift along. I realized this many years ago when I took sailing lessons and one day I had to captain the sailboat with the other students. I hated it. I'd much rather be a sailor than the captain. Too much responsibility for me I guess.

Am I becoming melancholy lately? Probably so but there are and have been things to make me melancholy lately. Another year is coming to an end and there are more behind me than will be in my future.

I now have to pluck my eyebrows less frequently and they are becoming more gray/white than ash brown. So I wish for more hair there and less on my chin that I have to pluck. Sigh...

My feet have grown from an 8 1/2 medium 20 years ago to a 9 1/2 wide. And oh, how I miss the leg flattering high heels, but to walk in them now is just too hard to do. I wonder if my great granddaughter, Caroline, will see the wisdom in 1" heels instead of 3" heels. I sure do hope so for her sake.

I see her lovely, sweet fresh-faced beauty and realize she came not just from her mummy and my daughter, but from me and hubs also. Oooh, how sweet the feeling is to see her and hold her little face in my hands. To kiss that sweet little face, lips and even the drool is wondrous to me. I can never tire of kissing her and those little dimpled hands that will look like mine someday. Her feet are so small, her toes little nubs, the arches curling like banana peels as she pulls her knees to her little chest. I hope she remembers us fondly in her later years.

I think now of young motherhood as something I wish I could do over and do differently. Holding my sweet babies when they're fresh from heaven was one of the true joys I've experienced. But holding my love of 50 years is even a greater joy than that. He is my soul mate and my eternal companion. I need to treat him better than I do sometimes because he's so special and loves me so. I need to heed this advice! My heart is so full of love for him that I still get a thrill when I hear the door open and he enters the house and my heart. A kiss is always on his lips for me.

I wonder why my son and my daughter see me differently. This was brought to reality for me 20+ years ago when I voiced it to a friend and truly astounded me when I recognized it, but I think I've always known it to be true. I always try to be honest with myself. I think I am.

What would I say to younger women I wonder? I think the best advice I can give is to enjoy each decade that comes along. I've never regretted any decade but truly think the 40s are the best years of life. I looked great, was in great shape and had a bit of wisdom, some of which I didn't use wisely. But with a faith in God, a hope of things to come and charity, of which I need a whole lot more, I think I'll be just fine. I certainly pray I am.
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