My life is to make everything around me beautiful.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Will You Love Me When..........

First of all, a little eye candy for you. As most of you know I absolutely adore, love roses but if there is a little "chick" in the picture along with it, then it's even more special to me. So here is some ephemera for you. And please enlarge it for a bigger image.

I'm feeling soppy, syrupy and maudlin today so bare with me. I'm not even going to apologize for this because I just need to lay my heart and soul on the line today. You can indulge me or click off to another blog post; it really doesn't matter to me if you don't want to hear it again. I can definitely understand. I'm writing this on saturday night and scheduling it for monday just in case I decide I can't bear to see it in print.

I laid awake last night just thinking of my son and what he's still going through, but it wasn't just that.

Late at night when Morpheus won't visit, I'll lie awake silently and think my deepest, most intimate thoughts and let the tears flow onto the pillow and just hope my spouse doesn't awaken so I don't have to explain those deep intimate reveries and can just have the thoughts to myself privately and tiptoe through them quietly at my leisure when feelings are so tender. I think some people might understand this. But our son's condition started the whole the "journey" of the finding of the "perfect makeup."

He's still not doing well even with the sleeping pills. Plus there has been no change in his headaches—still horrendous pain, eyes, ears ringing and whoosing in his ears. I wish I could say it's improving but it isn't yet. I've wept more tears than I'd ever thought possible because when this happens to someone to whom you've given birth it hurts intolerably. I've been told these things take time but hubby and I are still going to do a fast for him tomorrow.

The other thing, which I'm guessing is common in marriages that have survived for many years, where lots of true love has endured and as we creep—because I shall always "creep" and not "leap"— into old age, are some thoughts that kept running through my consciousness last night. I believe that as we come to the twilight and midnight of our years on earth we all share similar feelings.

Will you still love me when my face wrinkles and crinkles around the eyes and mouth?

Will you still love me when I can barely get out of the chair or the car pretending like nothing hurts and fake it for the first few steps so people won't think I'm an old lady?

Will you still love me when everything that can sag does?

Will you still love me when I can't determine the true color of my skin because of all the age spots?

Will you still love me when my dentist owns most of my teeth?

Will you still love me when the optometrist can't determine how many pairs of glasses I'll need for my activities?

Will you still love me when I'm stooped over and need your strong arm to help me up?

Will you still love when when my hair looks frosted from so much gray in it?

Will you still love me when I don't have the energy to iron your pants and shirts because I can't stand that long?

Will you still love me when I'd rather eat out because it's so much easier for me than cooking even though you LOVE my cooking more than restaurants?

Will you still love me when my feet don't work as well as they used to and I hold your hand, not because that's how we've always done it, but because I can't make it without your beautiful hands helping me now?

Will you still love me when I have an extra 10 lbs. or then it creeps up each year to whatever it is and I hate to tell you the actual truth?!

Will you still love me when I'm not that young slender girl coming down the stairs in my white wedding gown that you've always told me is the image you'll always remember of me even after all these years of marriage?

Will you miss the times when we can finally share the intimate moments that were so tender when they actually happened that the memory had to dim a bit to be able to voice them to each other?

Will you still love me and remember the moments when you would hold me in your arms and tell me that "things will be alright" when we're going through a crisis and let me know how much you love me?

Will you still love me when I may not even remember who you are; although you constantly tell me you'll never forget me?

Will you still love me when I'm gone before you and awaiting your presence by my side and missing you so terribly?

I know I'll miss you with every beat of my heart because I can't even imagine not having you and your strong, loving arms around me.

Dear readers, you were warned. My heart is very tender lately.